In Brene's book she gives references to what she feels constitutes a good friend.
A very close and dear "sister" of mine recently gave me a loving reminder of what she needed from me as a dear friend/sister.
I have included the incident mainly because I value it as good advise and there was a gift given to me in my imperfection.
Secondly, I feel "owning our part" is a valuable part of being truly Authentic.
One of the scariest lessons I had to go through in the 12
step Alanon program was looking at a problem situation and owning what part of it is
mine....even if the other person does
not own their part.
By owning...I mean admitting, apologizing and either making restitution or amend my ways.
This was so hard to do because at the time I felt there had been injustices
on the other persons’ part and I really rallied against doing this .....it felt so wrong.
....admitting my wrong...seemed to be adding to the arsenal
of the offender.
It took a lot of courage and faith in the program to make
myself vulnerable and to admit my wrong doing.....now what is interesting is
after doing it, I felt stronger. Something
grew inside me....perhaps self respect, character development, stronger values.....one thing is for sure....when I was focused only on my behaviour and had no expectations from the other person......I experienced growth and self contribution.
You see I was doing it for me....
As the A.A. saying goes, “Principles above personalities”.
To me this means tending and keeping my ground clean and sacred.
(In saying this... program also dictates prudence is
advised.....will admitting a wrong hurt or compromise someone.)
I have developed a saying....” when the roadway is strewn
with garbage figure out what is mine, separate it and deal only with what is mine.”
(thanks to my neighbors for this photo opportunity)
Which leads me into the incident that happened as of late....in
this situation it was all my garbage..... I was very self importantly managing
someone else’s business instead managing my own.
My very nature is a
teacher. As well one of my strongest
strengths is “restorative”.
However I have come to realize that using these qualities does not always make
a good friend.....especially when I use my strengths indiscriminately.
The following email was sent to
me by my dear friend/sister. She was taking the Courage to speak from her heart. Because
I cannot write any better what she was conveying I have been granted permission
to post it just as she wrote it.
I will say momentarily my Ego
flashed and wanted to defend but when I read her email my now experienced heart knew and accepted.
The email is as follows:
OK
teacher :)
I have to
ask you - I'm not sure if this is one of my 'issues' - but when I 'share' with
you - you seem to respond with feeling it is a 'teachable moment'. When I
'share' something positive, I am expressing my inner joy and like to feel that
by expressing it to safe people When I 'share' something negative-
sometimes I am just wanting to 'vent' and sometimes I am looking for advice
(which becomes a teachable moment).
I have
learned to express during the 'negative' sharing when I want to just vent. So
using a 'negative' event I would expect it to become a teachable moment
unless I have mentioned beforehand that I need to 'vent'. I know not
everyone says the 'I need to vent' .
But with
positive 'joy' sharing - it can rob the moment of the joy when the
response is presented back as a teachable moment.
Does that
make any sense? The 'teacher' in you seems to be always at the forefront
;)
It is a
great strength - but for everyone characteristics have a strength with which to
use them....and used in another way- they become a weakness or detriment.
Spoken with love in my heart
I own this.
In fact I realize I have done it a lot of other times to other
friends and family.
To those....I apologize for all those
times......
More than that.....I know practicing a better way
is what is required.
.
This I endeavor to do. I am investing in myself and growing.
Now perhaps some of you reading this are uncomfortable with my telling of this account and you feel I am making myself too vulnerable.
Not so.....first off there is a gift in my seeing and admitting my imperfections.
Secondly.....hanging my "humanness" out for all to see.....makes me feel free....I don't have to be the know it all......I just know how far I have come......I have gentle acceptance and a sense of humor about my "humanness" ....I am growing....and as long as I am growing....I am thriving.
The reason I have written of this account....
- I believe there is wisdom in it
- Owning my story and telling it...hopefully has touched and/or helped someone reading this.
And thus I am contributing.....
I have made an imperfection...into a gift.
Now that makes me feel good.
“Compassion is not a relationship between the
healer and the wounded. It’s a
relationship between equals”. Brené Brown
Thanks to my True Friend for her
courage.
A reminder to myself
Thanks all for allowing me to share my story with you.
